THE PRINCESS DASHKOFF. God knows, Little Mother, we all implore you to give your wonderful brain a rest. That is why you get headaches. Monsieur Voltaire also has headaches. His brain is just like yours.
CATHERINE. Dashkoff, what a liar you are! [Dashkoff curtsies with impressive dignity.] And you think you are flattering me! Let me tell you I would not give a rouble to have the brains of all the philosophers in France. What is our business for today?
NARYSHKIN. The new museum, Little Mother. But the model will not be ready until tonight.
CATHERINE [rising eagerly]. Yes, the museum. An enlightened capital should have a museum. [She paces the chamber with a deep sense of the importance of the museum.] It shall be one of the wonders of the world. I must have specimens: specimens, specimens, specimens.
NARYSHKIN. You are in high spirits this morning, Little Mother.
CATHERINE [with sudden levity.] I am always in high spirits, even when people do not bring me my slippers. [She runs to the chair and sits down, thrusting her feet out.]
The two ladies rush to her feet, each carrying a slipper.
Catherine, about to put her feet into them, is checked by a disturbance in the antechamber.
PATIOMKIN [carrying Edstaston through the antechamber]. Useless to struggle. Come along, beautiful baby darling. Come to Little Mother. [He sings.]
March him baby, Baby, baby, Lit-tle ba-by bumpkins.
VARINKA [joining in to the same doggerel in canon, a third above]. March him, baby, etc., etc.
EDSTASTON [trying to make himself heard]. No, no. This is carrying a joke too far. I must insist. Let me down! Hang it, will you let me down! Confound it! No, no. Stop playing the fool, will you? We don't understand this sort of thing in England. Ishall be disgraced. Let me down.
CATHERINE [meanwhile]. What a horrible noise! Naryshkin, see what it is.
Naryshkin goes to the door.
CATHERINE [listening]. That is Prince Patiomkin.
NARYSHKIN [calling from the door]. Little Mother, a stranger.
Catherine plunges into bed again and covers herself up.
Patiomkin, followed by Varinka, carries Edstaston in: dumps him down on the foot of the bed: and staggers past it to the cabinet door. Varinka joins the courtiers at the opposite side of the room. Catherine, blazing with wrath, pushes Edstaston off her bed on to the floor: gets out of bed: and turns on Patiomkin with so terrible an expression that all kneel down hastily except Edstaston, who is sprawling on the carpet in angry confusion.
CATHERINE. Patiomkin, how dare you? [Looking at Edstaston.] What is this?
PATIOMKIN [on his knees, tearfully]. I don't know. I am drunk.
What is this, Varinka?
EDSTASTON [scrambling to his feet]. Madam, this drunken ruffian--PATIOMKIN. Thas true. Drungn ruffian. Took dvantage of my being drunk. Said: take me to Lil angel Mother. Take me to beaufl Empress. Take me to the grea'st woman on earth. Thas whas he he said. I took him. I was wrong. I am not sober.
CATHERINE. Men have grown sober in Siberia for less, Prince.
PATIOMKIN. Serve em right! Sgusting habit. Ask Varinka.
Catherine turns her face from him to the Court. The courtiers see that she is trying not to laugh, and know by experience that she will not succeed. They rise, relieved and grinning.
VARINKA. It is true. He drinks like a pig.
PATIOMKIN [plaintively]. No: not like pig. Like prince. Lil Mother made poor Patiomkin prince. Whas use being prince if Imayn't drink?
CATHERINE [biting her lips]. Go. I am offended.
PATIOMKIN. Don't scold, Lil Mother.
CATHERINE [imperiously]. Go.
PATIOMKIN [rising unsteadily]. Yes: go. Go bye bye. Very sleepy.
Berr go bye bye than go Siberia. Go bye bye in Lil Mother's bed [he pretends to make an attempt to get into the bed].
CATHERINE [energetically pulling him back]. No, no! Patiomkin!
What are you thinking of? [He falls like a log on the floor, apparently dead drunk.]
THE PRINCESS DASHKOFF. Scandalous! An insult to your Imperial Majesty!
CATHERINE. Dashkoff: you have no sense of humor. [She steps down to the door level and looks indulgently at Patiomkin. He gurgles brutishly. She has an impulse of disgust.] Hog. [She kicks him as hard as she can.] Oh! You have broken my toe. Brute. Beast.
Dashkoff is quite right. Do you hear?
PATIOMKIN. If you ask my pi-pinion of Dashkoff, my pipinion is that Dashkoff is drunk. Scanlous. Poor Patiomkin go bye bye. [He relapses into drunken slumbers.]
Some of the courtiers move to carry him away.
CATHERINE [stopping them]. Let him lie. Let him sleep it off. If he goes out it will be to a tavern and low company for the rest of the day. [Indulgently.] There! [She takes a pillow from the bed and puts it under his head: then turns to Edstaston: surveys him with perfect dignity: and asks, in her queenliest manner.]
Varinka, who is this gentleman?
VARINKA. A foreign captain: I cannot pronounce his name. I think he is mad. He came to the Prince and said he must see your Majesty. He can talk of nothing else. We could not prevent him.
EDSTASTON [overwhelmed by this apparent betrayal]. Oh! Madam: Iam perfectly sane: I am actually an Englishman. I should never have dreamt of approaching your Majesty without the fullest credentials. I have letters from the English ambassador, from the Prussian ambassador. [Naively.] But everybody assured me that Prince Patiomkm is all-powerful with your Majesty; so I naturally applied to him.
PATIOMKIN [interrupts the conversation by an agonized wheezing groan as of a donkey beginning to bray]!!!
CATHERINE [like a fishfag]. Schweig, du Hund. [Resuming her impressive royal manner.] Have you never been taught, sir, how a gentleman should enter the presence of a sovereign?
EDSTASTON. Yes, Madam; but I did not enter your presence: I was carried.
CATHERINE. But you say you asked the Prince to carry you.
EDSTASTON. Certainly not, Madam. I protested against it with all my might. I appeal to this lady to confirm me.
