EDSTASTON [plucking up some geniality, and kissing Claire ceremoniously on the brow]. I have no objection.
VARINKA [disgusted]. Only one kiss! and on the forehead! Fish.
See how I kiss, though it is only my horribly ugly old uncle [she throws her arms round Patiomkin's neck and covers his face with kisses].
THE SERGEANT [moved to tears]. Sainted Nicholas: bless your lambs!
CATHERINE. Do you wonder now that I love Russia as I love no other place on earth?
NARYSHKIN [appearing at the door]. Majesty: the model for the new museum has arrived.
CATHERINE [rising eagerly and making for the curtains]. Let us go. I can think of nothing but my museum. [In the archway she stops and turns to Edstaston, who has hurried to lift the curtain for her.] Captain, I wish you every happiness that your little angel can bring you. [For his ear alone.] I could have brought you more; but you did not think so. Farewell.
EDSTASTON [kissing her hand, which, instead of releasing, he holds caressingly and rather patronizingly in his own]. I feel your Majesty's kindness so much that I really cannot leave you without a word of plain wholesome English advice.
CATHERINE snatching her hand away and bounding forward as if he had touched her with a spur]. Advice!!!
PATIOMKIN. Madman: take care!
NARYSHKIN. Advise the Empress!!
THE SERGEANT. Sainted Nicholas!
VARINKA. Hoo hoo! [a stifled splutter of laughter].
EDSTASTON [following the Empress and resuming kindly but judicially]. After all, though your Majesty is of course a great queen, yet when all is said, I am a man; and your Majesty is only a woman.
CATHERINE. Only a wo-- [she chokes].
EDSTASTON [continuing]. Believe me, this Russian extravagance will not do. I appreciate as much as any man the warmth of heart that prompts it; but it is overdone: it is hardly in the best taste: it is really I must say it--it is not proper.
CATHERINE [ironically, in German]. So!
EDSTASTON. Not that I cannot make allowances. Your Majesty has, Iknow, been unfortunate in your experience as a married woman--CATHERINE [furious]. Alle Wetter!!!
EDSTASTON [sentimentally]. Don't say that. Don't think of him in that way. After all, he was your husband; and whatever his faults may have been, it is not for you to think unkindly of him.
CATHERINE [almost bursting]. I shall forget myself.
EDSTASTON. Come! I am sure he really loved you; and you truly loved him.
CATHERINE [controlling herself with a supreme effort]. No, Catherine. What would Voltaire say?
EDSTASTON. Oh, never mind that vile scoffer. Set an example to Europe, Madam, by doing what I am going to do. Marry again. Marry some good man who will be a strength and support to your old age.
CATHERINE. My old--[she again becomes speechless].
EDSTASTON. Yes: we must all grow old, even the handsomest of us.
CATHERINE [sinking into her chair with a gasp]. Thank you.
EDSTASTON. You will thank me more when you see your little ones round your knee, and your man there by the fireside in the winter evenings--by the way, I forgot that you have no fireside here in spite of the coldness of the climate; so shall I say by the stove?
CATHERINE. Certainly, if you wish. The stove by all means.
EDSTASTON [impulsively]. Ah, Madam, abolish the stove: believe me, there is nothing like the good old open grate. Home! duty!
happiness! they all mean the same thing; and they all flourish best on the drawing-room hearthrug. (Turning to Claire.] And now, my love, we must not detain the Queen: she is anxious to inspect the model of her museum, to which I am sure we wish every success.
CLAIRE [coldly]. I am not detaining her.
EDSTASTON. Well, goodbye [wringing Patiomkin's hand, goo-oo-oodbye, Prince: come and see us if ever you visit England.
Spire View, Deepdene, Little Mugford, Devon, will always find me.
[To Yarinka, kissing her hand.] Goodbye, Mademoiselle: goodbye, Little Mother, if I may call you that just once. [Varinka puts up her face to be kissed.] Eh? No, no, no, no: you don't mean that, you know. Naughty! [To the Sergeant.] Goodbye, my friend. You will drink our healths with this [tipping him].
THE SERGEANT. The blessed Nicholas will multiply your fruits, Little Father.
EDSTASTON. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
He goes out backwards, bowing, with Claire curtseying, having been listened to in utter dumbfoundedness by Patiomkin and Naryshkin, in childlike awe by Yarinka, and with quite inexpressible feelings by Catherine. When he is out of sight she rises with clinched fists and raises her arms and her closed eyes to Heaven. Patiomkin: rousing himself from his stupor of amazement, springs to her like a tiger, and throws himself at her feet.
PATIOMKIN. What shall I do to him for you? Skin him alive? Cut off his eyelids and stand him in the sun? Tear his tongue out?
What shall it be?
CATHERINE [opening her eyes]. Nothing. But oh, if I could only have had him for my--for my--for my--PATIOMKIN [in a growl of jealousy]. For your lover?
CATHERINE [with an ineffable smile]. No: for my museum.
End
