"Philosophy, indeed, when all my right side is numb and I am moaning and groaning.I've tried all the medical faculty: they can diagnose beautifully, they have the whole of your disease at their finger-tips, but they've no idea how to cure you.There was an enthusiastic little student here, 'You may die,' said he, 'but you'll know perfectly what disease you are dying of!' And then what a way they have of sending people to specialists! 'We only diagnose,' they say, 'but go to such-and-such a specialist, he'll cure you.' The old doctor who used to cure all sorts of disease has completely disappeared, I assure you, now there are only specialists and they all advertise in the newspapers.If anything is wrong with your nose, they send you to Paris: there, they say, is a European specialist who cures noses.If you go to Paris, he'll look at your nose; I can only cure your right nostril, he'll tell you, for Idon't cure the left nostril, that's not my speciality, but go to Vienna, there there's a specialist who will cure your left nostril.
What are you to do? I fell back on popular remedies, a German doctor advised me to rub myself with honey and salt in the bath-house.Solely to get an extra bath I went, smeared myself all over and it did me no good at all.In despair I wrote to Count Mattei in Milan.He sent me a book and some drops, bless him, and, only fancy, Hoff's malt extract cured me! I bought it by accident, drank a bottle and a half of it, and I was ready to dance, it took it away completely.I made up my mind to write to the papers to thank him, I was prompted by a feeling of gratitude, and only fancy, it led to no end of a bother:
not a single paper would take my letter.'It would be very reactionary,' they said, 'none will believe it.Le diable n'existe point.* You'd better remain anonymous,' they advised me.What use is a letter of thanks if it's anonymous? I laughed with the men at the newspaper office; 'It's reactionary to believe in God in our days,'
I said, 'but I am the devil, so I may be believed in.' 'We quite understand that,' they said.'Who doesn't believe in the devil? Yet it won't do, it might injure our reputation.As a joke, if you like.' But I thought as a joke it wouldn't be very witty.So it wasn't printed.
And do you know, I have felt sore about it to this day.My best feelings, gratitude, for instance, are literally denied me simply from my social position."* The devil does not exist.
"Philosophical reflections again?" Ivan snarled malignantly.
"God preserve me from it, but one can't help complaining sometimes.I am a slandered man.You upbraid me every moment with being stupid.One can see you are young.My dear fellow, intelligence isn't the only thing! I have naturally a kind and merry heart.'I also write vaudevilles of all sorts.' You seem to take me for Hlestakov grown old, but my fate is a far more serious one.Before time was, by some decree which I could never make out, I was predestined 'to deny' and yet I am genuinely good-hearted and not at all inclined to negation.'No, you must go and deny, without denial there's no criticism and what would a journal be without a column of criticism?' Without criticism it would be nothing but one 'hosannah.' But nothing but hosannah is not enough for life, the hosannah must be tried in the crucible of doubt and so on, in the same style.But I don't meddle in that, I didn't create it, I am not answerable for it.Well, they've chosen their scapegoat, they've made me write the column of criticism and so life was made possible.
We understand that comedy; I, for instance, simply ask for annihilation.No, live, I am told, for there'd be nothing without you.
If everything in the universe were sensible, nothing would happen.
There would be no events without you, and there must be events.So against the grain I serve to produce events and do what's irrational because I am commanded to.For all their indisputable intelligence, men take this farce as something serious, and that is their tragedy.
They suffer, of course...but then they live, they live a real life, not a fantastic one, for suffering is life.Without suffering what would be the pleasure of it? It would be transformed into an endless church service; it would be holy, but tedious.But what about me? Isuffer, but still, I don't live.I am x in an indeterminate equation.I am a sort of phantom in life who has lost all beginning and end, and who has even forgotten his own name.You are laughing-no, you are not laughing, you are angry again.You are for ever angry, all you care about is intelligence, but I repeat again that I would give away all this superstellar life, all the ranks and honours, simply to be transformed into the soul of a merchant's wife weighing eighteen stone and set candles at God's shrine.""Then even you don't believe in God?" said Ivan, with a smile of hatred.
"What can I say?- that is, if you are in earnest-""Is there a God or not?" Ivan cried with the same savage intensity.
"Ah, then you are in earnest! My dear fellow, upon my word I don't know.There! I've said it now!""You don't know, but you see God? No, you are not someone apart, you are myself, you are I and nothing more! You are rubbish, you are my fancy!""Well, if you like, I have the same philosophy as you, that would be true.Je pense, donc je suis,* I know that for a fact; all the rest, all these worlds, God and even Satan- all that is not proved, to my mind.Does all that exist of itself, or is it only an emanation of myself, a logical development of my ego which alone has existed for ever: but I make haste to stop, for I believe you will be jumping up to beat me directly."* I think, therefore I am.
"You'd better tell me some anecdote!" said Ivan miserably.
