The nearest I came to loving him, I think, was when, after our terrible life together, he lay helpless for a year and I was with him day and night.If I could have given him my strength then, brain and body, I would have done it gladly, and that agonised compassion was the strongest feeling I ever had for him." She broke off for a long breath, and sat looking earnestly at the amazed little woman across from her."You could never understand!" she exclaimed impetuously, "but I must tell you--Imust tell you because I can't live with you day after day and know that there is an old dead lie between us.I hate lies, Ihave had so many of them, and I shall speak the truth hereafter, no matter what comes of it.Anything is better than a long, wearing falsehood, or than those hideous little shams that we were always afraid to touch for fear they would melt and show us our own nakedness.That is what I loathe about my life, and that is what I've done with now forever.I am myself now for the first time since I was born, and at last I shall let my own nature teach me how to live."Her intense pallor was illumined suddenly by a white flame, whether from the leaping of some inner emotion or from the sinking firelight which blazed up fitfully Miss Saidie could not tell.As she turned her head with an impatient movement her black hair slipped its heavy coil and spread in a shadowy mass upon her bared shoulders.
"I'm sure I don't know how it is," said Miss Saidie, wiping her eyes."But I can't see that it makes any difference whether you were what they call in love or not, so long as you were a good, well-behaved wife.I don't think a man troubles himself much about a woman's heart after he's put his wedding ring on her finger; and though I know, of course, that thar's a lot of nonsense spoken in courtship, it seems to me they mostly take it out in talking.The wives that I've seen are generally as anxious about thar setting hens as they are about thar husband's hearts, and I reckon things are mighty near the same the world over."Without noticing her, Maria went on feverishly, speaking so low at times that the other almost lost the words.
"It is such a relief to let it all out," she said, with a long, sighing breath, "and oh! if I had loved him it would have been so different--so different.Then I might have saved him; for what evil is strong enough to contend against a love which would have borne all things, have covered all things?"Rising from her chair, she walked rapidly up and down, and pausing at last beside the window, lifted the curtain and looked out into the night.
"I might have saved him; I know it now," she repeated slowly: "or had it been otherwise, even in madness I would not have loosened my arms, and my service would have been the one passionate delight left in my life.They could never have torn him from my bosom then, and yet as it was--as it was--" She turned quickly, and, coming back, laid her hand on Miss Saidie's arm."It is such a comfort to talk, dear Aunt Saidie," she added, "even though you don't understand half that I say.But you are good--so good; and now if you'll lend me a nightgown I'll go to bed and sleep until my trunks come in the morning." Her voice had regained its old composure, and Miss Saidie, looking back as she went for the gown, saw that she had begun quietly to braid her hair.
CHAPTER III.The Day Afterward When Maria awoke, the sun was full in her eyes, and somewhere on the lawn outside the first bluebird was whistling.With a start, she sprang out of bed and dressed quickly by the wood fire which Malindy had lighted.Then, before going downstairs, she raised the window and leaned out into the freshness of the morning, where a white mist glimmered in the hollows of the March landscape.In the distance she saw the smoking chimneys of the Blake cottage, very faint among the leafless trees, and nearer at hand men were moving back and forth in her grandfather's fields.
Six years ago she would have found little beauty in so grave and colourless a scene, but to-day as she looked upon it a peace such as she had never known possessed her thoughts.The wisdom of experience was hers now, and with it she had gained something of the deeper insight into nature which comes to the soul that is reconciled with the unknown laws which it obeys.
Going down a few moments later, she found that breakfast was already over, and that Miss Saidie was washing the tea things at the head of the bared table.
"Why, it seems but a moment since I fell asleep," said Maria, as she drew back her chair."How long has grandfather been up?""Since before daybreak.He is just starting to town, and he's in a terrible temper because the last batch of butter ain't up to the mark, he says.I'm sure I don't see why it ain't, for Iworked every pound of it with my own hands--but thar ain't no rule for pleasing men, and never will be till God Almighty sets the universe rolling upside down.That's the wagon you hear now.
Thank heaven, he won't be back till after dark."With a gesture of relief Maria applied herself to the buttered waffles before her, prepared evidently in her honour, and then after a short silence, in which she appeared to weigh carefully her unuttered words, she announced her intention of paying immediately her visit to Will and Molly.
