"I'm clear enough about Harriet's future, and about parts of my own.But I ask again, What about yours?""Sawston and work," said Miss Abbott.
"No."
"Why not?" she asked, smiling.
"You've seen too much.You've seen as much and done more than I have.""But it's so different.Of course I shall go to Sawston.You forget my father; and even if he wasn't there, I've a hundred ties: my district--I'm neglecting it shamefully--my evening classes, the St.James'--""Silly nonsense!" he exploded, suddenly moved to have the whole thing out with her."You're too good--about a thousand times better than I am.You can't live in that hole; you must go among people who can hope to understand you.I mind for myself.
I want to see you often--again and again.""Of course we shall meet whenever you come down;and I hope that it will mean often."
"It's not enough; it'll only be in the old horrible way, each with a dozen relatives round us.No, Miss Abbott; it's not good enough.""We can write at all events."
"You will write?" he cried, with a flush of pleasure.
At times his hopes seemed so solid.
"I will indeed."
"But I say it's not enough--you can't go back to the old life if you wanted to.Too much has happened.
"I know that," she said sadly.
"Not only pain and sorrow, but wonderful things:
that tower in the sunlight--do you remember it, and all you said to me?
The theatre, even.And the next day--in the church; and our times with Gino.""All the wonderful things are over," she said.
"That is just where it is."
"I don't believe it.At all events not for me.The most wonderful things may be to come--""The wonderful things are over," she repeated, and looked at him so mournfully that he dare not contradict her.The train was crawling up the last ascent towards the Campanile of Airolo and the entrance of the tunnel.
"Miss Abbott," he murmured, speaking quickly, as if their free intercourse might soon be ended, "what is the matter with you? I thought I understood you, and I don't.All those two great first days at Monteriano I read you as clearly as you read me still.
I saw why you had come, and why you changed sides, and afterwards I saw your wonderful courage and pity.And now you're frank with me one moment, as you used to be, and the next moment you shut me up.You see I owe too much to you--my life, and I don't know what besides.
I won't stand it.You've gone too far to turn mysterious.I'll quote what you said to me: 'Don't be mysterious; there isn't the time.'
I'll quote something else: 'I and my life must be where I live.' You can't live at Sawston."He had moved her at last.She whispered to herself hurriedly."It is tempting--" And those three words threw him into a tumult of joy.What was tempting to her? After all was the greatest of things possible? Perhaps, after long estrangement, after much tragedy, the South had brought them together in the end.
That laughter in the theatre, those silver stars in the purple sky, even the violets of a departed spring, all had helped, and sorrow had helped also, and so had tenderness to others.
"It is tempting," she repeated, "not to be mysterious.
I've wanted often to tell you, and then been afraid.I could never tell any one else, certainly no woman, and I think you're the one man who might understand and not be disgusted.""Are you lonely?" he whispered."Is it anything like that?""Yes." The train seemed to shake him towards her.He was resolved that though a dozen people were looking, he would yet take her in his arms."I'm terribly lonely, or I wouldn't speak.I think you must know already." Their faces were crimson, as if the same thought was surging through them both.
"Perhaps I do." He came close to her.
"Perhaps I could speak instead.But if you will say the word plainly you'll never be sorry; I will thank you for it all my life."She said plainly, "That I love him." Then she broke down.Her body was shaken with sobs, and lest there should be any doubt she cried between the sobs for Gino! Gino! Gino!
He heard himself remark "Rather! I love him too! When I can forget how he hurt me that evening.Though whenever we shake hands--" One of them must have moved a step or two, for when she spoke again she was already a little way apart.
"You've upset me." She stifled something that was perilously near hysterics."I thought I was past all this.
You're taking it wrongly.I'm in love with Gino--don't pass it off--Imean it crudely--you know what I mean.So laugh at me.""Laugh at love?" asked Philip.
