Gudrun went away in fury and loathing.The phrase, `I pinched his little bottom for him,' sent her into a white, stony fury.She could not bear it, she wanted to have the woman taken out at once and strangled.And yet there the phrase was lodged in her mind for ever, beyond escape.She felt, one day, she would have to tell him, to see how he took it.And she loathed herself for the thought.
But at Shortlands the life-long struggle was coming to a close.The father was ill and was going to die.He had bad internal pains, which took away all his attentive life, and left him with only a vestige of his consciousness.
More and more a silence came over him, he was less and less acutely aware of his surroundings.The pain seemed to absorb his activity.He knew it was there, he knew it would come again.It was like something lurking in the darkness within him.And he had not the power, or the will, to seek it out and to know it.There it remained in the darkness, the great pain, tearing him at times, and then being silent.And when it tore him he crouched in silent subjection under it, and when it left him alone again, he refused to know of it.It was within the darkness, let it remain unknown.So he never admitted it, except in a secret corner of himself, where all his never-revealed fears and secrets were accumulated.For the rest, he had a pain, it went away, it made no difference.It even stimulated him, excited him.
But it gradually absorbed his life.Gradually it drew away all his potentiality, it bled him into the dark, it weaned him of life and drew him away into the darkness.And in this twilight of his life little remained visible to him.The business, his work, that was gone entirely.His public interests had disappeared as if they had never been.Even his family had become extraneous to him, he could only remember, in some slight non-essential part of himself, that such and such were his children.But it was historical fact, not vital to him.He had to make an effort to know their relation to him.Even his wife barely existed.She indeed was like the darkness, like the pain within him.By some strange association, the darkness that contained the pain and the darkness that contained his wife were identical.All his thoughts and understandings became blurred and fused, and now his wife and the consuming pain were the same dark secret power against him, that he never faced.
He never drove the dread out of its lair within him.He only knew that there was a dark place, and something inhabiting this darkness which issued from time to time and rent him.But he dared not penetrate and drive the beast into the open.He had rather ignore its existence.Only, in his vague way, the dread was his wife, the destroyer, and it was the pain, the destruction, a darkness which was one and both.
He very rarely saw his wife.She kept her room.Only occasionally she came forth, with her head stretched forward, and in her low, possessed voice, she asked him how he was.And he answered her, in the habit of more than thirty years: `Well, I don't think I'm any the worse, dear.' But he was frightened of her, underneath this safeguard of habit, frightened almost to the verge of death.
But all his life, he had been so constant to his lights, he had never broken down.He would die even now without breaking down, without knowing what his feelings were, towards her.All his life, he had said: `Poor Christiana, she has such a strong temper.' With unbroken will, he had stood by this position with regard to her, he had substituted pity for all his hostility, pity had been his shield and his safeguard, and his infallible weapon.
And still, in his consciousness, he was sorry for her, her nature was so violent and so impatient.
But now his pity, with his life, was wearing thin, and the dread almost amounting to horror, was rising into being.But before the armour of his pity really broke, he would die, as an insect when its shell is cracked.
This was his final resource.Others would live on, and know the living death, the ensuing process of hopeless chaos.He would not.He denied death its victory.
He had been so constant to his lights, so constant to charity, and to his love for his neighbour.Perhaps he had loved his neighbour even better than himself -- which is going one further than the commandment.Always, this flame had burned in his heart, sustaining him through everything, the welfare of the people.He was a large employer of labour, he was a great mine-owner.And he had never lost this from his heart, that in Christ he was one with his workmen.Nay, he had felt inferior to them, as if they through poverty and labour were nearer to God than he.He had always the unacknowledged belief, that it was his workmen, the miners, who held in their hands the means of salvation.To move nearer to God, he must move towards his miners, his life must gravitate towards theirs.They were, unconsciously, his idol, his God made manifest.In them he worshipped the highest, the great, sympathetic, mindless Godhead of humanity.
And all the while, his wife had opposed him like one of the great demons of hell.Strange, like a bird of prey, with the fascinating beauty and abstraction of a hawk, she had beat against the bars of his philanthropy, and like a hawk in a cage, she had sunk into silence.By force of circumstance, because all the world combined to make the cage unbreakable, he had been too strong for her, he had kept her prisoner.And because she was his prisoner, his passion for her had always remained keen as death.He had always loved her, loved her with intensity.Within the cage, she was denied nothing, she was given all licence.
