MARCH 2
Katherine stayed over with me last night and after we ate dinner we watched a video. She wanted to watch Fantasia so we did. She really likes it though I think a lot of it is awfully stupid. The devil at the end is really good though but then it gets so silly again. We had a good time. Katherine is fun when she's not at school or around Lori. I don't know what it is but she's not as nervous or something. After we watched the movie we went into my room and got ready for bed. Katherine was putting on her pajamas and I saw a big bruise on her bottom. 'What happened?' I asked. 'I fell down' she said. 'Doesn't it hurt?' I asked. 'Not a lot' she said. Earlier I saw she wasn't sitting all the way down on the couch but propped herself up on her legs. I didn't know why until I saw the bruise. She must have fallen awfully hard when she fell.
I asked if she wanted me to sleep on the floor but she said she wanted to sleep with me and I was glad so I said get in. We talked for a long time. I did most of the talking at first even though when it's just us together Katherine isn't so quiet as she is around her parents or Lori or at school. We talked about our teachers and some of the girls we know like Icky Betsy. I told her that Mama and Daddy were saying we might move but I didn't believe them because they were probably just imagining it. My fourth grade English teacher Miss Wisegarver told me I had a great imagination and I told her I couldn't help it I inherited it. But I know when something's real or not at least, sometimes I think I'm the only one in my crazy family who does.
Anyway after a while Katherine and I started playing make believe. We hugged each other like we were in a sleeping bag. 'Make believe you have an imaginary family' she said. 'What's it like?'
'We'd live in Vermont' I said. 'Daddy would write at home. Mama would be just wonderful and sweet and take care of us all the time. She'd be like a nice Junior League lady. There'd be three or four towheaded kids. We'd have a big house with fireplaces and four white columns out in front.'
'That's nice' Katherine said. Her father is an investor. He works for a bank downtown. They live on Park at 78th Street. I don't go over to their house very often because she says her parents don't like too much noise.
'Your turn' I said. 'Make believe you have an imaginary family. What's it like?'
'They stay in their rooms and I stay in mine' she said. 'I read all the time and sometimes I watch TV. Dad works in another country and Mom calls him on weekends. He only comes home once a year. I have three older sisters who are all beautiful and love me. Make believe you have a boyfriend. What's he like?'
'I'll never have a boyfriend' I said.
'You will' she said. 'And what's he like?'
'He's not too tall and he has a beard. He wears glasses. If I ask him to bring me something he always does.'
'That's your father' she said and laughed.
'It is not' I said. 'Make believe you have a boyfriend. What's he like?'
'He's got blond hair' she said. 'He looks really cute and wears bicycle shorts. He swims really well and takes me out to dinner every night. He always remembers my birthday.'
'And his name's Corey' I said. I was laughing.
'No it's not' she said. 'It's Paul.'
'Make believe you could go anywhere you wanted to go' I said. 'Where would you go?'
'I don't know' she said. She put her leg on mine and I put mine on hers. It was nice and warm. 'I don't know where I'd go. Somewhere.'
'Florida?' She shook her head. Katherine and her family go to Florida every year. 'If I could go anywhere I wanted to go I'd go to Europe. I'd want to see where my grandparents were from' I said.
'Where were they from?' Katherine asked.
'Prague' I said. 'I'd like to go to Prague. What next?'
Katherine rolled on her back and put up her knees like she was going to do situps. 'Lo' she said. 'Make believe you're a boy and you're raping me.'
'Why would I rape you? That's an awful thing to say' I said. 'Go on make believe' she said. 'If I was a boy I wouldn't rape you' I said. 'Why do you say that?' 'That's what they do' she said. 'I don't want to pretend that, Kat. We better go to sleep' I said. She rolled back over against me. 'If I snore just smack me' she said. 'Til kick you' I said. 'Okay.'
I didn't go right to sleep because I thought about what she said to me for a long time because it bothered me. I didn't mind making believe I was a boy because I think I'd be a better boy than most boys but rape's bad and I don't know why she wanted me to pretend that. Katherine's really weird sometimes. She didn't snore at all and I don't know who told her she did. So I lay there for a long time listening through the wall to Boob talk in her sleep and I wished I had been alone because if I had been I'd have gotten up and written you Anne. Well better late than never.
MARCH 3
Granny's here and so are the crampers. The first day's the worst though so I know when I wake up tomorrow morning I'll feel better and that's good to know. I've only been having my period since last year but I'm already tired of it. Mama says 'Oh darling it's a terrible affliction for us poor women but what can you do?' When Granny's here I always think I smell bad and I get zits and I know I look funny. They tell you all about it in the movies they show you but they never tell you how much it hurts. I warned Boob because she said she wanted to have periods too and I said that's what you think. 'You just want to have them all for yourself' she said. 'I want them too.' Boob's so crazy. She still ties on her My L'il Fetus every day when she gets home from school. I think it needs to go in the laundry.
Katherine was acting weird again in History class today. Lori and I said hello and she blushed and ran away. I think she thinks I'm mad at her for her asking me to pretend I was a boy the other night. That's so ridiculous but you never know what people are going to think Anne. I think she'll get over it.
Lori was smoking again at lunch today. I could smell it on her breath when I saw her. I asked her if she was but she said she wasn't. I don't care if she smokes or not but she'll get in so much trouble when they catch her again. I know they suspend girls they catch smoking the second time and her parents would just kill her. She says they've been really after her lately about a lot of things but she doesn't say what things she means. Daddy says they should ship her off but he's not serious because that's what he always said he was going to do to us and we never believed him.
We listened to music by Ralph Vaughan Williams in Music class today. You don't say Ralph you say Rafe. We listened to The Lark Ascending. It's so beautiful and sad. I think if I ever have a funeral I'd like it to be played while everybody's crying, it'll make them feel even sadder and they'll miss me even more.
Finally finished Silas Marner. Yuck!
All for now, Anne.
MARCH 4
The weather's so crazy. It went up to ninety degrees today. It was so hot this afternoon Lori and I went to our favorite luncheonette at Lexington and 83 rd for milk shakes after school. It's a real old place that's been around for almost a hundred years, I think and it's great fun to go in. Well Anne there we were sitting there when who should walk in but Mimsy Porter. She used to go to Brearley but now she goes to Chapin, she got kicked out of Brearley because her grades were so bad and her father didn't know anyone he could lean on.
Let me tell you how the schools are because otherwise you may not understand. Chapin is where the dumb girls go. They're not really dumb but they're dumber than the girls at Brearley. The society girls go to Spence. You don't have to be smart to go to Dalton but you have to have money. The girls who go to Marymount are so dumb they're remedial. At the other schools of course they all say the dykes go to Brearley but they're just jealous and you'd expect them to say that because our school is the very best one.
Anyway so Mimsy comes in all fancy shmancy wearing a new dress and pretty patent leather shoes. She walks over to where we're sitting and she starts acting like she's at cotillion. She says oh it's sooo good to see you and how have you been. I think Mimsy is annoying and really shallow but I can put up with her. Lori can't stand her. 'How are you doing, Mim?' Lori asks. Fabbbbulous says Mimsy. Her head's gotten so big I'm surprised she got it through the door. Anyway Lori asks 'What classes are you taking?' and before Mimsy can tell her Lori answers. 'Abortion 101? How to Be a Slut?' What are you talllking about Mimsy says. 'How much homework they make you do?' Finally Mimsy figures out Lori's making fun of her and you can imagine what she had to say to that. Lori just laughed and said 'Go away, somebody might think we know you.' Mimsy looked like she was going to slap Lori but Lori's bigger than she is so instead she turned around and flounced out and that was that. 'Why were you so mean to her, Lori?' I asked. 'She's silly but there's no need to be so mean.'
'Yes there is. She's so stuck up she drives me crazy' Lori said. 'They must be paying her to go to Chapin.'
'She's not worth getting upset about' I said. 'That's what I think.'
'You know we had a dance with those boys from Walden last year' Lori said. 'She snuck off with one of them and made out. I heard all about it later.'
'Like you and Simon did?' I asked. Lori got mad but didn't say anything because she knows I can handle myself better than Mimsy or Katherine can. Lori's kind of a bully but she's been one of my two best friends since first grade. We hated each other at first though. We were making clay sculptures and I made a pot with a little person in it. She asked who it was and I said 'It's you. It's an ogre in the pot. I'm making ogre stew.' Lori hit me and I hit her back and then we got into a big fight right there in class. We made up after we got out of the office though and we've been the best of friends ever since. Me and Lori and Katherine are the founding members of the Ogre Club though we're not as bad as we used to be except for Lori of course.
On TV tonight they showed the President meeting with the cabinet. I looked at his face and it looks like Mama's, I don't mean they look anything at all alike. I mean sometimes there just isn't anything there and I think he's on Xanax too.
MARCH 6
Anne I'm sorry I'm not being as diligent as I should be in writing to you every day but you know how it is with distractions like parents and sisters and school. Sometimes I just never get any time to myself! I'll try to do better.
Some days there's not much to say, though. Daddy says he has a new idea and he's been working on it for the past two days though he's not saying what it is yet. He always says it's bad luck to talk about what you're writing on before you're finished except to the people you're working with and sometimes not even then. Mama says 'Darlings your father is such a primitive at heart he has any number of personal hoodoos' and Boob and I think it's funny but I hope he has good luck this time. We'll see what happens. Once he worked on a script for three years before they finally turned it down but usually it doesn't take that long.
MARCH 7
Before you know it here it is Friday and it's the weekend again. Lori's having a party over at her house tomorrow night and I don't really want to go because I don't like parties but I want to see Lori so I'll go. She's invited some boys she knows from Walden and friends of her brother's from Trinity and I'm not looking forward to putting up with them. I'm sure they'll be as stupid as they always are, the stupider they are the more they get away with. They're not cunning at all.
We went to a movie tonight that got good reviews but Daddy kept talking about how bad the script was until finally the people behind us asked him to be quiet. He made some sarcastic remarks and we thought that the man was going to get up and start a fight but he didn't. Daddy was quiet for a while after that but then started groaning again and kept groaning till the movie was over. This always happens Anne whenever we go to the movies. Even though he says he wasn't Daddy must have been awful when he was a little boy. I love Daddy but I think when boys grow up they stay the same.
After the movie we went to Falafel and Stuff over on First Avenue and had dinner. Boob asked Mama and Daddy if she could get a new dress. I've told her we shouldn't be asking them for things now because they can't afford it and they'll get it anyway but she never listens to anything I say. 'Oh darling do you need it for some sort of affair or something?' Mama asked.
'I need it because I need it' said Boob. That's not the most convincing reason I've ever heard, said Daddy. 'I need it' said Boob.
'Darling do you need it or do you want it there's a difference you know' said Mama.
'I need it because I want it' said Boob.
'We always want something sweetie but there's only a little bit we really need. If you really need it we'll see but if you just want it we'll have to wait awhile.'
'I need it' said Boob. I know they'll get it for her tomorrow. She'll wear it to school and somebody will say something about it and then Boob won't want to wear it anymore. Anything Boob wants she needs. I never know what I want or what I need. Sometimes I do but not usually. I think I can get by with a lot less than Boob but I wouldn't say that's bad for either of us, we're just different, that's all.
Granny's gone home. Hooray!
MARCH 8
It's so late but Anne I need to write you because I don't know who else I can talk to about what happened. Lori's party was tonight and even before I went I was afraid it wasn't going to be any fun. I was so right. It was just getting dark when I was getting ready to leave. Mama and Daddy let me walk down by myself since it's only three blocks away. Boob was a howler, crying when I told her she couldn't come, it wasn't a party for little kids.
'I never go to parties' Boob said. 'You just went to Sherrie's house for her birthday party last month' I said.
'I hate Sherrie' Boob said.
'You're a baby Boob' I said. She was wearing her new dress by the way.
'Oh my darlings you're both our babies' Mama said and she hugged us. 'Be careful walking down the street sweetie and don't turn off Park till you have to. The creeps are out and about.' 'Where else would I go?' I asked. 'China' said Boob. 'I want to go to the party too.' Daddy told Boob if she didn't stop fussing he was going to sell her to a Satanic cult. 'They'd want a refund' Boob said and then they both laughed. 'I want to go though.' 'But you don't need to go do you?' I asked. 'Yes' Boob said. She stopped crying. 'I want to go to China' she said.
I was so glad to leave the house. Boob was boohooing so much. Mama's really depressed because no one wants her to teach for them and Daddy's still working on the project he won't talk about. He says it's about done but he's still fiddling. My family drives me crazy all the time sometimes.
Anyway I think I looked very chic for the party not that anyone noticed. I wore barettes in my hair to pull it off my face and my pretty blue dress with the white Eton collar. Mama calls it a baby doll dress though I tell her not to call it that. I wore my blue knee socks and my black patent leather party shoes. It was cold out so I wore my green coat. I walked down Park to 83rd Street as I promised I would. The only creeps and perverts I saw were the ones who live in our building though there was a man lying in the street near the curb on Park. There were fire trucks whizzing uptown but I didn't see anything burning so it must not have been major.
Lori and her parents have a duplex and a garden in a townhouse. The party was downstairs in the living room and the kitchen. Her father stayed upstairs but her mother came down sometimes to look in on us. Besides me and Lori and Katherine, Susan, Icky Betsy, Tanya, Whitney and Edie were there, and some other girls. Lori's brother Tom was there too and ten or eleven stupid friends of his. They're all fifteen or sixteen and think they're real grown up. They kept acting like they owned the place showing off but they didn't impress me. Simon Norris who I told you about before was there. Lori likes him a lot. He's fifteen but he has an evil baby face so her parents don't know he's as old as he is though they still don't like him she says. Lori looks older than she really is so they look like they're the same age.
Well Simon Norris has a friend named Clark and he must have thought I wanted to be around him as much as Lori wanted to be around Peter. He's a slimy toad. He followed me around all night like he was a baby duck who thought I was his mother. He kept telling me how rich his family was like it was a big deal. Our apartment's so big Dad pays two hundred dollars a month just on gas bills he said. 'He'd better find another doctor' I told him. He didn't get it of course he's such a fool. He even tried to paw me with his toad flippers. Finally I told him 'Would you stop bothering me' and then he finally did.
It was a stupid party because it wasn't anyone's birthday or anything. Everybody was just standing around listening to music and acting like they were brain dead. The younger boys from Walden looked at us like they wanted to eat us up but none of them tried anything with their paws, they're still tadpoles. Tom's friends from Trinity except for Simon and Clark stood around like they were too cool to breathe.
I ate half a bowl of potato chips and dip and listened to Whitney tell me about her headaches. Then Icky Betsy came over and started talking and I just had to get away because she'd been eating. Every time she eats something she goes and heaves it right up afterward and then she smells like vomit even though she washes her face. I wanted to talk to Lori but she was gabbing with Simon. I think the only reason she had the party was because that way she could get together with him whenever her mother left the room. I went over to where Katherine was standing by herself looking geeky.
'What's the matter?' I asked. 'Nothing' she said. 'Do you think he's cute?' she asked and pointed to a Trinity boy who was bigger than the others. He looked a lot older than his friends and he was the dumbest looking one of all. His face looked dirty but it wasn't. He just didn't know how to shave yet not that he seemed smart enough to ever learn. His arms were hairy like a dentist's and he wore a sweatshirt that was cut off so you could see his hairy stomach. You could tell he thought he was hot hot hot.
'He's the Abominable Snowman' I said. 'What are you talking about?' Katherine said. 'I bet when he takes his shirt off he looks like he's wearing a sweater.' 'You mean like hairy shoulders?' Katherine asked. 'Like hairy everything' I said. Well sure enough a few minutes later she went over and started talking to him. He was at least a foot taller than she is and she acted more shy than she really is. My friends act so dumb around boys sometimes you wouldn't think they had any sense at all. I ate more potato chips and some Triscuits and then I went to the kitchen to get a Diet Coke.
Simon and Lori were in there and nobody else. They were standing between the refrigerator and the door to the garden.' 'Close the door behind you Lo' Lori asked me and I did. 'Why?' I asked. 'Just circle and don't let anybody come in' she said. I did but a second later I looked behind me and sure enough Anne there they were like kissing fish slurp slurp slurp. He had his hand down the front of her pants. When I saw that I got out of the kitchen right away. Katherine was back over in the corner and she looked like she was trying not to cry.
'What happened?' I asked but she wouldn't tell me. The Snowman was with his buddies laughing. 'Did he say something mean to you?' I asked but she didn't say anything. 'Do you want to go home?' She shook her head and I said okay. I hate it when you know something's wrong with your friends and they won't tell you what it is. When something bothers me I usually tell whoever's around. But not always, really. Even though what I saw Simon and Lori doing bothered me I didn't tell Katherine. I wasn't going to say anything to anybody. Then Lori came out of the kitchen. She walked over like she was going to hit me but didn't.
'What's your agenda?' she asked me. She whispered so nobody would hear but of course Katherine did. 'Nothing' I said. 'Did you look?' Lori asked. 'I didn't want to be in the room while you were doing that. You were almost doing it.' 'I didn't know he was going to do that' she said and I knew she was telling the truth. Lori hides what she thinks in her face worse than Mama and Daddy do. Simon was back over where his buddies were and they were all laughing and I was mad because I could tell they were laughing at us. Boys always laugh at girls no matter what they do.
'Oh sure' I said. Even though I believed her I was so mad at her. 'It hurt so I told him to stop. If you'd have stayed in there he wouldn't have done it.' 'He would have.' 'You were watching then' she said. 'Saw it all' I said. 'If I'd stayed in there he'd have wanted to do it to me too' I said. That made her go post office. 'You think you're treat city' she said. 'Well I wasn't going to stay in there while you two were fishfacing' I said. 'I'm going home now.' 'Go ahead.' So I went into the hall closet and got my coat. Katherine came over while I was there and got her coat too. 'Can I walk with you' she said, she didn't ask because she knew I'd say sure, which I did. 'Bye' I shouted at everybody as we left.
'Say goodbye to the queers everybody' Lori said and that made me pipe so I almost ran back in to hit her. Then I thought that would just make things worse so I didn't. Nobody else said anything anyway. The boys laughed, but I don't care what boys do. They may hurt some girls but not me.
It was nine-thirty and I didn't have to be home till ten so I was happy walking Katherine home. 'Lori's so stupid' I said. 'She's always telling on what other people do and then she does the same things herself. I hate her.' Katherine didn't say anything and I could tell she was still upset. 'What's the matter?' I asked her. 'Nothing' she said. 'Did the Snowman say something mean to you?' I asked her. 'He was just stupid like you said.' 'What did he say?' 'Nothing' she said but I know he did but I'll never know what he said unless she tells me and she won't.
We walked down Park to her building. I looked down 78th Street and saw searchlights in Long Island and I wondered what was doing over there tonight. Katherine asked me something but I couldn't hear her because of the sirens. 'Will you go upstairs with me?' she asked again and I said okay. She looked like she was ready to flood. 'If something had you racked would you tell me?' I asked. 'Sure' she said but she fudged and didn't look at me. We rode in the elevator which opens up at her front door. Before she got out her keys her father opened the door. He's tall and skinny with gray bushy hair and looks like a mushroom. He stood there with his arms blocking the door and then he started screaming like I wasn't there. Blah blah blah blah. Didn't I tell you you could only stay out an hour he said. Can't you tell time? What am I supposed to do with you?
'You're supposed to hit me' she told him and she ran inside under his arm. He turned around and slammed the door. I didn't know what to do Anne so I rode back downstairs. When I got outside I looked up but I couldn't see the lights in their windows because they live in the rear. I stood outside for a long time until the doorman said something to me and then I walked away. I walked up Park as fast as I could to 79th and then I crossed the street. There were only a few people out and they didn't pay any attention to me. At 81st this bum came around the corner. He was talking to himself and I don't even know if he saw me but I ran up the street anyway until I got to the next block. I had to wait to cross at 86th because of all the fire trucks going downtown but as soon as I could I ran and then got to our building and went inside. The man in the gutter was still there.
Mama was sitting in the living room staring at bills. Daddy wasn't in his study and I figured he'd gone to bed already. I could tell Mama had had a couple of somethings because she could hardly keep her eyes open and it wasn't ten yet. 'My darling you're home by yourself you should have called and I'd have come down and walked you home.' 'I'm all right' I said. 'Did you have a good time with your little friends sweetie?' 'It was all right.' 'Oh darling you must be starving come in the kitchen so we can put some more meat on those little bones.' She fixed me a cheese sandwich and a glass of apple juice and sat with me while I ate it, though I wasn't really hungry and just wanted to be by myself. But I didn't want to upset her so I stayed up until she got sleepy which wasn't long.
Anyway Anne I've been writing for over an hour. I want to go to sleep now too. I'm so tired I bet I just drop right off. So night night.
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