FOR JUAN
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day.
Give a man a minion, and the minion will fish for him.
—ANCIENT MINION PROVERB
The beast in front of me had the body of a lion, a human face with three rows of very sharp teeth, and a scorpion's tail tipped with a barb the size of an ice pick. The manticore was a triple threat of maiming, biting, and poisoning—and she was in my way.
She wasn't the only one. The courtyard was crowded with bodies jostling to get a look at the list posted on the wall. The manticore reared up on her hind legs, and I had to jump back to avoid her barb.
"Can you see anything?" I asked.
"No," she said, plopping back down. "Those ogres are blocking my view."
Most of the students in front of me were first-years, looking for their dorm assignments. I was a third-year, hoping that this time, for once, they had moved me to the right dorm.
"I'll probably be in the Monster Minion Dormitory," the manticore said.
"The Momido." I nodded. "Unless it's full. Sometimes they put monsters in the D-Hum."
"The D-Hum?"
"The Dormitory for Human Minions," I said. I should know; I'd been stuck there for two years. Last year I'd missed out on some important events because the notices had only been posted in the Momido. And not just the fun stuff like Night Prowls and games of Capture the Human. I was late signing up for the MMA tournament, and that really stung. I loved Mixed Monster Arts.
"Hey, ogres!" I yelled.
Three warty faces turned to look down at me, their bottom fangs jutting up like boars' tusks. They were kids, barely eight feet tall, but honestly, there was only one option for them.
"Try the Dormitory for Minions of Impressive Size," I suggested, pointing to the list on the right.
They waved their clubs in thanks and moved out of the way. I grabbed the manticore's tail and swung it in front of me like a sword, forcing her to follow me backward. "Excuse me! Third-year, coming through!" We edged past a bunch of kids who looked human, but they could've been anything—werewolves, vampires, shape-shifters, or actual humans (their bad luck). I pushed through a couple of monkey-men, a lizard-boy, and some mummies. At last we reached the wall.
I held my breath, partly because I was nervous, and partly because the mummies smelled like piles of old gym socks with morning breath. I scanned the Momido room assignments. "Runt Higgins," I whispered. "Come on. Where's my name?" My heart beat faster as I scrolled down the list.
It wasn't there.
"This has got to be a mistake," I said, and I started over at the top.
"There I am," said the manticore, pointing her barbed tail at the name "Tiffany Smithers-Pendleton." She reached into her backpack with her tail. When she brought it out, a piece of paper was impaled on the end. "Do you know where I turn in my immunization record?"
I pointed in the direction of the infirmary. I couldn't speak. A cold dread filled my body. I didn't have to check the other lists. I knew I was back in the D-Hum.
The D-Hum! Oh, the humanity! (And I mean that literally.)
